Stealing. For as long as I can remember, it’s been a perfectly OK, normal thing to do—based entirely on the messages I received from kids’ food commercials from my childhood. Since then, I’ve been honing my skills as a thief. More specifically, a food thief. If I see something that looks too delicious—I’m talking, so delicious that my eyes get all googly, and I do a little dance—I HAVE TO TAKE IT. Sorry, working mother of four, that tray of dino nuggets is mine. Enjoying that last piece of bundt cake, grandma? Well, don’t blink, ’cause A-dog’s got a sweet tooth.
So how did I catch the grub burglar bug? With ads like this:
Cool nab, teens. But next time, after you take Jessica’s waffles, throw the rest of the box away. That’ll keep her from making a magic toaster out of it.
Then there was this gem:
Woah, looks like Lucky was anything but. (LOLOL)
Way to stick with it, kids. Even with magic on his side, he’s bound to make a bonehead mistake. I mean, driving a snowmobile up a cliff? He doesn’t deserve those purple horseshoes!
Some of the ads taught me what not to do, like this one:
Listen, the disguise was smart. Very smart. If you want to steal from a circus, you dress as a clown. I’ve always said that. But if the Trix Rabbit could just learn to keep his cool, he’d be ears-deep in artificial flavor right now. The same goes for The Cookie Crook, Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird, The Hamburglar, and the earlier, more nightmare-inducing version of Grimace.
Listen, I understand I’m taking this messaging too literally. I know these brands were telling my tiny child brain their products were so freaking amazing that they were worth going to great lengths to get. Regardless of what info I retained, the fact that I’ve hung onto it for 35-plus years says a lot. I remember the taglines. The characters. The hilarious mishaps. And you know what, maybe that’s the point of this very informative newsletter. Or maybe it’s just about a world-class snack thief sharing his valuable experiences and wisdom. Yeah, let’s go with that.
One last thing: if you meet a charming British toucan, FOLLOW IT. Even if it leads you deep into the jungle. You can thank me later (pro tip: bring a spoon).
Have a magically delicious weekend, everybody.
-Your food burgling buds at Brokaw