Happy 2017, all! If you are a human on the Internet, you’ve likely been inundated with life-changing articles like:

“5 traits of successful people to pick up in 2017”

“How to set your goals in 2017”

“Words to remove from your vocabulary in 2017”

PRO TIP: most of these articles are total click-bait bullsh**. But that last one caught our eye. Not just because we get to say goodbye to “Dad Bod,” “Fleek,” and “Bae”—but because it called for the demise of our least favorite term: “ASAP.”


Oh, ASAP! You demon of an acronym! Demanding results at speeds so fast there’s not even enough time to write out “As Soon As Possible.” How is it you can require such haste while simultaneously calling the reader a dolt? Here are four reasons we won’t miss you:

  1. You’re the boy who cried wolf. There must have been a time (long, long ago) when ASAP actually meant critical—maybe even borderline emergency. But today, ASAP means about as much as “breaking news” does on CNN.
  2. You’re not even a time or date. If five items are all due ASAP, which has priority? The one written in red? With flames on it? And arrows pointing to it?
  3. You immediately reduce the quality of work. There’s an old adage: “Good, Fast, Cheap. Pick two.” ASAP, you are a fragment of one.
  4. You’ll make one of our brilliant copywriters nuts. And drive him and his friends upstairs into a seriously terrifying, and frighteningly accurate, 70’s rock video portraying the hell that is “ASAP CITY.” (Careful, some explicit lyrics.)

Have a great 2017, everybody!
—Your always-punctual friends in ASAP CITY